So Much Negativity, Yet I Still Smile

Hello World!

It's been a really long time since I've been able to just express myself. To vent on my blog. To let everything out.

Junior year by far has been the most hectic, tiring, often frustrating time of my college career. You may say, "Well, Of Course! It only gets harder from here!" Well, if it does, I will literally become a walking zombie. I NEED SLEEP!"

Pledging for a sorority taught me a lot about myself. It taught me more about the kind of person I am. How I deal with pressure and stress. It challenged me to manage my time better, which I managed to do fairly well. It was hard letting people see my weak points or the "emotional" side of me.

And I don't know why, but I've just been getting a whole lot of constructive criticism this year that's too much for my taste, lol. I hate that if you don't do something THE WAY someone ELSE thinks you should do it...then oh it's wrong or not up to standard.

For example, I made a suggestion amongst a group I am a part of for a class project and one of my peers' responses was..."Oh, that sounds elementary TO ME! You would have to convince me!" My thought was WHAT? Why do I need to convince YOU? What is this? A Jury of Her Peers?

Then I just got an evaluation back from a professor based on a short speech we all have to do that said that my poster was perhaps "distracting" from my speech. Now, for those of you who know me, you know I am very passionate about plus size modeling and the industry. I created a collage poster of magazine clippings from plus size campaigns because I wanted my peers TO SEE them! Especially since there is no time for questions after.

Earlier this year, I was giving a presentation of my research and I came in confident, with a handout to pass to my classmates thinking "I know my research! I can do this! They'll understand." And I walked out literally balling in tears of anger and frustration because my peers were so mean to me. One girl came out and said in front of the whole class that she "was worried about me because I am a lateral entry student into the program and that I missed the class on how to write a good research question." Now mind you, I am the only black person and the only black female in that class and I found it highly offensive and unnecessary for her to have to remind the class of that fact. And besides that, what does that have to do with anything? That is why we all have mentors to guide us through our research as our questions will inevitably change and develop.

While constructive criticism can be good for growth, I just really want to hear more positivity. I can't function like this! I just want to go home...sleep and have fun, pet my dog Louis, who always gives me these loving puppy dog eyes, to feel nothing but pure love and encouragement from my friends and family. Though you may say, "Well, Yasmine welcome to the real world"...NO! We all need a person or a place where we can go to to escape all the negativity and find some encouragement and love.

Quite frankly, I've discovered that EVERYONE will always have THEIR opinions of you. The important thing is, how you view yourself. I know that out of all of those situations I mentioned, my intentions were pure and though people thought I was crazy, I KNEW exactly what I was doing. Many times I question my decision to come to Elon. To attend a conservative university, a place where I will always stick out and/or be judged even when I want to just blend in...but YET, I know that all of these experiences, though often hurtful are happening to me to make me stronger. To make me better. To prepare me for something much bigger than myself. I KNOW that this is not all there is to life. I am looking for better and if I don't find it here, I believe I will find it after I die. WHY ARE HUMANS ALWAYS SO NEGATIVE?

If I were as pessimistic as the average person, I wouldn't be able to accomplish much of anything. Ok, enough of me on my soapbox. God is still good in spite of my sin and in spite of negativity from others. If anything, I can always rely on Him to pour out forgiveness, understanding, serenity and strength. This is only a season of pruning, challenge and humility in my life. Yet, I smile. The world can't take away my joy. THIS TOO SHALL PASS :)

Next year the next stop for me is GHANA! Far away from the American world of meanness, judgement, rugged individualism and self-centeredness...on to some community, love, dancing, sharing, laughing and just living in the moment :)